Forgiveness: A Mended Heart

It’s funny how this thing we call life can deal you some of the shittiest hands, and at the same time it could be relieving you of a burden that you would have never known that you had. My friends tell me that I am never honest about my true feelings, I have been compared to a onion, having so many layers peeling them off a little at a time only when necessary to divulge information on a need to know basis.

The funny thing is that I have never thought of myself in such a way. I have always been private, its easier telling people as little as possible about you to avoid conflict and conviction. The more I talk about who I am aloud I find that I surprise myself more and more, being multifaceted, is complicated when when you want to be stone cold.

Today I felt completed to peel back one of my layers, while I was completing the many meaningless task that I preform at work, “ The Heart of the Matter” by India Arie steamed across my airwaves, and I immediately felt engulfed in the passion that was exuded from her heart felt melody. The sad thing is that I couldn't figure out why I couldn't’t let go. It’s because I hadn’t forgiven. Forgiveness, one of the most important steps to moving on in reality, not just telling oneself to move on, but really taking that leap back into reality and out of self misery to being to live again.

I’ve been heart broken for over a year, yes I can admit that over a year. I have sauked in it, cried, screamed, layed lifeless for weeks in pity, loathing in my own self inflicted sadness. I’ve never known such a pain, a pain that makes you completely debilitated, numb to life. The pain of losing something that you can never get back. I got that call over a year ago, the call that made me want to stop in the middle of I-94 and completely turn my car around to drive over 700 miles to make things right, to go back to tomorrow, when everything was ok. When my heart was overflowing with the love that I and only I was receiving unconditionally. The greatest pain I’ve ever experienced in life was having my heart hand back to me.

Over this past year, I have found myself fighting with not only my heart, but with my physical spirit about letting this thing go. I have tried so many things to let this thing go, I found Hate to be one of the most helpful ones, but as my mother always said, wishing someone into the same misery that you are in will never remedy a situation. Trust me I tried ignoring it, feeling that I have conquered it, but as soon as idle time reared its ugly head, I found myself back in the same pitiful state.

All the while, not opening my eyes to the thing that will have set me free in the first place. Today I have finally taken that step. Today my heart has finally let it go. I have learned to stand alone. I have relearned to be joyful, to enjoy the little things about myself again, and yes….. I have forgiven you whole heartedly even if you don’t love me anymore. Know that you are forgiven, time can heal all wounds, and my time has finally arrived, God delivered me this morning in one of most unexpected places, he restored my heart to love again.